Meanwhile in Amish country…

Hope everyone had a Merry Indoor-Pine-Tree-Wrapped-In-Paper-Mache-With-A-Star-On-Top Day! I tend to celebrate IPTWIPMWASOTs with plastic trees only because I have girly hands that are girlier than most girls’ and pine needles are absolute murder on them. I’ve had a bout with Pericarditis a few years ago and I’d much rather go through that again than have to stick my hands in a pine tree.

My mom got me a bottle of Inca Kola. BEST GIFT EVAR!

I got dragged into the shopping foray over Thanksgiving despite not feeling well (who in their right minds would turn down a free chocolate cake even with a fever?) I’m sorta glad I did, because it’s not often I really go shopping on the count of my severe allergy to commercialism and fixing-things-that-ain’t-broke. An old friend of my mom brought me along to go shopping at the Danbury Mall in Connecticut. I’ve been here before when the iPhone first came out.

The Crappening

I came across these stalls where women would apply toxic chemicals in vials of goo in an effort to look more beautiful superficially by destroying their natural beauty, because (God forbid) a presence of personality and charm haven’t been bottled yet. I’m sure Avon is working on it though.

There was an eerie silence as I waded through clothing isles punctuated by the sound of me gasping at the creepiest thing I’ve seen in a while. This is the sort of thing I’d expect to come across in a cemetery at night. I’m the kind of person that can shatter a mirror just by smiling at my own reflection and it still caught me off-guard.

It's the New England Chupacabra!

It’s the New England Chupacabra!

Clearly, it looks human. Sort of. I quickly went past that… whatever it was and came across the men’s watches section. Is it just me or are these getting bigger and bigger for no discernible reason? Are men’s eyesight getting weaker somehow or are our penises getting smaller? I mean, I know men do have bigger wrists… well not me; I look like a hairy 16 year-old girl with a face that could turn Medusa to stone, but these were approaching ridiculous sizes.

Is that case made of Depleted Uranium?

Is that case made of Depleted Uranium?

This thing really does weigh more than a small moon

These things really do weigh more than a small moon

These were almost the size of my whole bloody palm! It’s a shame that good taste in appearances have gone out the window and it’s not just in the West. Although I most certainly can’t afford one, and I know taste is subjective, I think Bell & Ross is one of few brands that have the ideal appearance for men’s watches mastered. They’re clear (the chief function of a watch, in case people forgot, is to tell time), have good Swiss movements, simple and above all else are tasteful.

Well, this was the mall so onward…

I then came across a picture of an actor with a beard wearing simple, quaint, clothing selling a heater that Amish people don’t make.

Did they make the cabinet or the heater? Or neither? Still not clear on the details.

Did they make the cabinet or the heater? Or neither? Still not clear on the details.

I can’t lie; I do like the idea of having one of these in my cabin, but the power demand will still be unacceptable considering the small roof size for solar panels. Plus the pellet stove will be more effective for heat anyway.

I popped into the Verizon store to get a new Bluetooth hands free set since mine got stepped on at work (yeah, someone will lose an ear when I go back to work). I’m reminded this is still Danbury, I.E. New England country bumpkin territory when I came across this.

Sure love em corn dogs done right, but I ain't riskin mah fingers!

Sure love em corn dogs done right, but I ain’t riskin mah fingers!

There’s been a lot of hoopla over the “War Christmas” which is ironic since Christmas has been waging a war on Christians since the advent of commercialism decades ago. The Lexus ads call it the “December to Remember Sales Event”, but I think calling it the “Buy-More-Useless-Junk Event” is more appropriate. The above iGrill really drove the point home to me that the “War on Christmas” people really have their priorities misaligned.

I got into an argument with someone over this very point right before Christmas. He’s one of those people who claim that somehow everyone coming together and enjoying the holidays in their own way is somehow detrimental to the spirit of Christmas. When I tried to explain to these people how their beliefs are quite safe, because, well… they’re their beliefs (unless the aliens come down to Earth and reach into their minds to brainwash them into clicking on PSY’s Gangnam Style video over and over until it reaches 1 Billion views on December 21st thereby initiating the End of the World… which didn’t happen), I usually the get irate retort :

WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?!

Chocolate and Donny Osmond.

No, seriously. Hear me out.

For every problem you may have (short of being able to fly an airplane during a hailstorm while being attacked by chimps tripping on acid) you will find an answer in either Chocolate or Donny Osmond.

Consider this :
If you’re faced with the problem of choosing between charity and avoiding troublesome in-laws, Donny Osmond would say to face them with your heart open and you shall overcome whatever adversity may strike you. I have followed this whenever I meet family and Donny’s advice (that he never gave me personally, but came to me in a vision through Crazy Horses) has never let me down. If this is not enough, chocolate will be the ideal peacemaker between all. And if that fails, well… Chocolate and Donny Osmond work in mysterious ways.

I have to start work again tomorrow, sadly, and even though I do have the coming weekend off, I’ll probably be spending time with family. So if I don’t get to post until after the 1st…

Happy New Year!

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