I’m normally not compelled to present alibis to such a degree, but considering how serious the crimes were, I must break from tradition as a preemptive measure. In the interest of full disclosure, I will prove to Jesus Budda, that I am in fact not Jack the Ripper (or one of his copycats) by accounting for my whereabouts from 1888 to today…
I’m fairly certain I was a farmer in Kinshasa, Africa near the Congo at the time. I was tending my crops in preparation for the harvest, while being yelled at by parents for being slow and lazy. I wasn’t either! I was tired!!
Then on February 3rd, 1900, I ran into a Lion.
Human vs. Lion, Lion-1 : Human-0.
And then I was born a carpenter’s son in Krasnoyarsk, Russia (Great! From molten to frozen). On January 4, 1917, I went out to shovel some snow to clear a path to the shed. It was bloody cold!
And that’s when I came across a Siberian Tiger.
Human vs. Tiger, Tiger-1 : Human-0.
And then I was born as a shepherd in Thane, India. More precisely, a shepherd who just wanted to get out of my chores and sneak ride on the steam locomotives. Those things are loud, dirty and cool! On July 13, 1935, I decided to make a move…
While jumping over the fence on my way to the station, I turned around and was staring down a full grown bull elephant.
Human vs. Elephant, Elephant-1 : Human-0.
Then, I was born to a modest family in Winona, Minnesota. Nothing special there, just your average family. Dad was injured during WWII, but still managed to hold down a job as a mechanic. And mom was helping to pay the bills with her piano lessons. I just floated around through high school and college(St. Mary’s), after which, I took a job at a lumber yard (desk job, of course. I’ve been allergic to hard labour for many consecutive lifetimes).
I was coming home from another uneventful day on August 12, 1967 (the longest I’ve been alive that I can remember), when on my path was a Timber Wolf (irony?).
Human vs. Wolf, Wolf-1 : Human-0.
I spent the next few years haunting uncle Fred who always kept nagging me, while I was alive, with his stupid guitar and off-key songs after coming home drunk. But, sadly, the fun came to an abrupt end during the month of December, 1981, when suddenly they performed an exorcism… Bastards!
Ghost vs. Uncle Fred, Uncle Fred-1 : Ghost-0.
Well, 9 months later, I landed in this lifetime. Born to a middle class family in Colombo, Sri Lanka.
…Or so I think, my memory of those lifetimes is a bit vague.
I should really stop picking the losing side…
But, as you can see, my whereabouts are all accounted for. Of course all the witnesses may have been dead for decades, but I can prove I wasn’t Jack. Besides, I didn’t even know English in 1888 so I couldn’t have possibly written the infamous notes signed “Jack”.
Considering Jesus Budda has a time machine, I’m sure he can verify these statements for himself. I’ve tried to be as descriptive as possible (as far as my memory allows).
Now that narrows it 6.8 billion potential suspects at the time of this post…